Purple Haze
Posted: 20 September 2008 01:46 PM   [ Ignore ]
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Joined  2008-08-18

Reported by Loran Unger.

(Due to the sensitive nature of the following, and to protect the guilty, initials will be the only identification used - LU)

JW had a most unique talent. He was able to generate flatus and retain it in his innards for days, and even weeks, until such time as he deemed appropriate to use it. Then he would strike silently with deadly force. His most lethal flatulence usually manifested itself on quiet (weren’t they all) mids. JW’s emissions were always lengthy, but quiet. He would take a turn around the room; quietly passing gas along the way within a foot of the poor souls tethered to their positions by short headset cords, giving everyone in his path a firsthand whiff of his presence. The first indication of a JW gas attack would usually be a sudden shout, “J… W…, G… DAMMIT,” by the first victim whose nose started to burn or eyes began to water. Another sign of an attack, to those of us accustomed to JW’s sneaky methods, was a smugly satisfied look on his face, just prior to the odor assailing our nostrils. I haven’t thoroughly researched this, but I know of no one who ever heard JW passing gas. JW also enjoyed waking up the sleepers on the bus returning down the hill to Rimbach after mids. Just like in the Ops building, the initial warning invariably would be someone suddenly hollering , “J… W…, G… DAMMIT.” Another of JW’s favorite places to show off his talents, was the “Movie Theater” in the basement of the Silberbauer. Like the Ops building and the bus, he had an innocent captive audience, which had no hope of escaping the acrid fumes. Neither rank, gender, nor close friendship granted immunity from his attacks.

Prior to enlisting in the Air Force, just ahead of being drafted, JW was a teacher in the state of Maine. Presumably, he returned to that beautiful state to resume his noble profession. We fervently hope, for the sake of the health of the good citizens of New England and our neighbors to the north in eastern Canada, that there are enough pine trees in the Pine Tree State to absorb Jer…, oops, JW’s deadly methane and sulfuric clouds and replace them with life-sustaining oxygen.

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6913th Security Squadron USAF
Rimbach, West Germany
1974-1975

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